How do you know what healing looks like, are you the healer?

God is not shy about asking questions. In fact, it seems God is a bit fond of asking rhetorical questions. One of God’s first rhetorical questions is noted in Genesis 3:11 after Adam and Eve ate of the apple. God asked them, “Who told you that you were naked?” Of course, Adam and Eve didn’t need to answer the question, nor did they make a verbal response. They were fully aware, they were self-aware, and precisely understood God’s point.

Another question God asked is listed in Genesis 18:14, when God asked Abraham, “Is there anything too hard for the Lord?” This question arose after the story of three visitors coming to tell Abraham that Sarah will have a son. Again, there was no need for explanation. Abraham knew nothing is too hard for the Lord.

One of my favorite rhetorical questions is listed in the book of Job. When God asks, “Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it?” Those two verses are just part of the beginning of one of the most beautiful rhetorical pieces ever written. It captures who God is and magnifies God with immaculate details. Who better to describe God, than God himself?

This past week as I was singing and worshiping I felt like God asked me a question. The question was, “How do you know what healing looks like, are you the healer?” You may know I suffer from postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome, along with many other complicated ailments. I recently got a port, and I am getting infusions weekly to help with hydration and keeping my electrolytes balanced as much as possible.

Getting infusions is one aspect that is helpful to POTS patients and brings a bit of relief. By no means is it total healing! In fact, even with infusions every night around 8:00 PM or even a little earlier, I feel as though I am getting sick. You know the feeling, when you are tired, cranky, your throat begins to hurt, and overall you feel worn out. I try with all my might to stay awake until 9 pm, and then I crash. The good news is I have been waking up in the morning before 8 AM and I’m able to stay awake a whole 12 hours or more. A year ago, most of the time I couldn’t last 6 hours without taking a nap. So there is an improvement.

Although I am happy with the improvement, I wish I could see more…do more. I would like to see something more tangible and physical – what I determine healing to be.  I would like to run 5 miles a day, do everything possible with my kids, make phenomenal meals, have an immaculate home, be active in my community, church, and so much more. I want to do it all! I guess I want to be some superhero, because really, who alone can do all things well? My ideal healing is nearly impossible for an average person. I’ve defined healing as being able to do whatever I want. As I write this definition on paper, it seems so arrogant, lofty and utterly selfish.

I don’t know what healing looks like. I don’t know what transpires in a body after surgery is performed. As stitches close a wound, I can’t see beneath an incision. Of course, I can see the effects of healing. I can see that I no longer take naps every day. I can see improvement in my blood work. But what is there I can’t see? Hebrews 11:1 says, “Now faith is the evidence of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” All these things I can’t see – my belief, hope, and longing to do so much more. Do I believe?

My belief is running five miles a day, doing everything possible with my kids, making phenomenal meals, having an immaculate home, being active in my community, church, and so much more. It looks like my belief is rooted in selfishness, not healing.  It is rooted in I; not the I AM. Me trying to be super. Ultimately, it’s a superficial healing. It’s what I deemed healing to be. But the real, the real is so much broader than I could ever see.

So I pray, God heal me. Heal me with and by your definition. Not mine. I do not know. I am not the healer. You are the healer. You are the great I AM. Heal me however you see me healed.